I don’t have many desires as I roll through life. Sure, there are things I like, preferences of one over another. But I think I would best be described as low maintenance. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe I am unique in my level of wants. Instead, I am merely acknowledging this trait.
The one caveat here is that I am fiercely a creature of habit. I like what I like; it works for me, so why stray from that? Because of this, I consume a lot (I mean A LOT) of the same food and drink. My soda intake can be measured in liters. Pizza? Ice cream? Bagels? Man, can I pack them away. For some time, Nora was amazed by the amounts I could eat in one sitting. When diet time came, I would just account for those calories and find ways to consume them.
Back in 2014 (The Year of Jp), I shed 52 pounds eating all the things I liked, just in modified quantities. I got seriously into running, in part because I was trying to impress a girl (read Nora), but mostly so I could eat more pizza along the way.
One might argue that I am low maintenance in scope but high maintenance in scale. I have never been interested in trying new things because what I had worked so well for me. Cars I have owned in the past I pretty much drove into the ground. Sure, things come along that I think are great and would be nice to have, but I never cared enough to make the effort to obtain them.
Here’s where it gets interesting, I think…
It is possible (probably likely) that I’ve lived in my grooves (ruts?) for so long because I don’t believe I am worth the effort and sacrifice it might take to want and get something new. A life of low self-esteem and self-hatred has turned me into a fifth-class person, in my view. My instinctual thinking is that I don’t deserve better. I am not worthy of more. Someone else is better off with what I want.
Now, this has started to change in the past few years. While it’s not needed, I generally find ways to get Nora’s “permission” to buy things either by pointing out how something I have is lacking or asking her opinion of something new and waiting for her to suggest I get it. After typing that, it feels devious, but that’s not the intent. I’m not trying to trick Nora into agreeing to something; instead, I am trying to trick myself into accepting it’s okay to do something.
You’ll find this a common theme as we move along here. In my head I am “less than”. That is my default.