Let’s finish up this series on alexithymia symptoms. Here’s our last topic to cover.
“poor life satisfaction“
This seems like an easy one. I mean, I do deal with depression. I don’t know if I have a lot to say about this one that you can’t already imagine. I’ll say this as clearly as I can, though:
I do not receive satisfaction from anything, anywhere, anytime, anyone.
This is not the same as saying I see all of life as failing me. I believe I am able to acknowledge that there are good people and good things in my life. I could go on for hours about how amazing Nora and my girls are. But understanding that there are good things is not the same as getting a sense of satisfaction from them.
There is also an aspect of self-worth here, too, I think. You set out to complete a task, be it long or short-term, and when you achieve the goal, you feel good about having done so. I don’t get that. I have long had the mindset that if Jp was able to do it, it must not have been that special or that the final product was lacking in some real or imagined way that diminishes it. And external validation has yet to be able to turn the tide here. I have gotten to the point where I accept that someone else sees some aspect of me as worthy, but my ego (for lack of a better term) flat-out rejects the notion that I should be allowed to feel good about it.
I think this is also a case where I do experience the opposite. I do, at times, feel a sense of dissatisfaction in various aspects of my life. At least, that’s how I interpret the experiences. Right now, there is a sense of dissatisfaction with the new job. I’m open to the idea that it is more of a hey-this-is-new-in-so-many-ways discomfort and will pass, but I’m not sure. We’ll see what the next few weeks bring. Little secret here: I’ve spent a smidgen of time looking at other job opportunities this weekend.
What brings you life satisfaction?