And we’re back with our series examining Jp and his (lack of) emotifeelings. Today’s symptom…
“a lack of fantasies and imagination“
This is an interesting one for me. I have never really been good at imaginary play. Growing up, I didn’t really do much pretending. As a dad of young girls, I struggled with playing house or even being able to play at having a tea party. Not sure if this is related, but the idea of dancing is so bizare to me.
Now, as an adult, I have learned I deal with a condition called Aphantasia. What’s this, you may be asking? Well, basically, I have no mind’s eye. Think of a pink ball bouncing and rolling down a path in the woods. Got it? I don’t. Not a single aspect of that description. Draw an outline of Mickey Mouse. Easy, right? I know the idea, part circles for ears, circle for a head, cool. I have no idea what part of his head to put the ears on. If I had to color him in, I have no idea what color to use.
My house is a blue/grey shade; as I type this, I’m not sure I have that right. Give me four color choices in that bluish/grey scheme; I’d have a twenty-five percent chance of picking the right one. I can’t picture faces in my head. Not Nora, not my girls, not even myself.
Now I don’t think the aphantasia is linked to alexithymia, but I argue it is a factor in my depression. Think of a happy memory; can you see it? Because of the two A-conditions I have no way to really recall good (and bad) memories. Can’t remember the setting, the feelings, none of it. Weird, right?
What’s your favorite memory?