Happy Valentine’s Day to those of you who are not yet jaded by the commercialization of sex. love, and guilt from not giving these to your partner. Around these parts, Nora and I don’t really celebrate the day of amour. Nora is a bit more vocal about how she doesn’t love me moreso on February 14th or how she prefers to show her love throughout the year. As for me, well, I am of the ilk for corny little gestures, so there will be some silly gift given, but in general, I do not feel the need to make some grand demonstration of love.
I used to be Hallmark’s (and other corporations that count February 13th as their big day) number-one target for the day, though. Cards, flowers, jewelry, you name it. Had I had the means early in life, I’m sure I would have gifted huge-ticket items just to show the object of my affection (and let’s be honest, the world) just how big my love is.
The day fits nicely in with this mini-series on alexithymia. Today’s symptom to dissect…
“limited ability to communicate feelings to others“
In general, I think this goes hand in hand with not being able to identify feelings and emotions. I mean, how can I accurately tell Dave the feelings of friendship and love I have for him if I can’t really feel those things?
This has come up numerous times as it relates to Nora and I. How do I know I love her? When did I know we crossed that threshold into romantic love? Why do I love her above all others?
The simple answer is that I don’t know. I can see all the trappings of love, or at least what I think I know about love. Where she is is my home; I want her to thrive; I admire so much about her; she is my favorite (everything), and I have a need for acknowledgment from her…to name a few.
Am I on the right track here?
I freely use the words of love with and to Nora, but there is always a sense of inauthenticness in me. I see it all as cerebral, not emotional. I know that with her is where I want to be, but I don’t have an emotional basis for this.
I’ll go into a much more mushy explanation on the ways she is so wonderful later, for now though, it’s safe to say that it just feels like I belong here.
How do you know if you’re in love?